6 Month After Ex Left Me Heart Broken

So, this is my story and any advice and help is greatly appreciated.

So, I am 25yr old and my ex 28, we was together for 4 years. It was a loving yet tough relationship, she has severe anxiety issues, which I struggled with, as she didn't belive anything I say or do, there was always an accusation.

Anyways, during the first 4 month, I tried so hard to get this girl back in my life cause I loved her, although she did not me or so she said.

I turned up at her house, many times to plead for this girl back. She let me in some times but I was sharp on my way walking home at 3am drunk most times after a cuddle and her saying she didn't want me and me leaving heart broken after breaking NC over and over again.

She even had me took away by the police one time, which really really hurt me, and I new that was it, it was over, I was scarred and hurting seriously so much, it was over and I had to accept it now.

But months down the line, we ended up speaking through whatsapp and FB etc, as she unblocked me from these sites.

One night she was drunk, she rang me upset saying she missed me and if I wanted to come see her, I accepted sober and went to see her, we hugged on the coach and she cryed, saying she missed me and she was soo sorry for what was done and we cant get back together, I refused the sex with her, I just cuddled to her really tightly.

After that night, her parents went away for 2 weeks, like the last 2 weeks, I have been going to see her, I even had sex with her but still, she drills it into my head, how we can not get back together she just cant do it, she has told me she is embarrsed of me, that's why no 1 can know im seeing her, which also hurt a lot.

I spent the last weekend with her at her house, watching movies, chilling hugging banter, she told me she just enjoys my company? I say, so you use me for your company? she replied yes, which hurt again.

She is still cold towards me, I show her love still and im very affectionate with my cuddles and kisses. I walk to her house, in -5 degree weather at 4am, whatever times she asks, I will go to see her.

But now my self esteem is taking a hit, why am I going to see this girl? She doesn't want me she says but yet will kiss me and hold hands and hug while we watch movies and laugh and have fun but wil not get back with me, I tell her its ok, I understand but im sooo confused. please, help me on this.

Origin: pualib.blogspot.com