Love When Amaka Told Me

When Amaka told me she was going to own her magazine, I was thrilled and happy for my friend. But when she told me that I was going to be a columnist in her magazine, I almost fainted because this is a dream come true! You know? Sex and the City is my favorite all girl show and I always wanted to be a columnist. Amy and I go way back from our college years at Howard University and through thick and thin we've been sisters ever since. Thank you Amy for this opportunity to shine, it means the world to me. The beauty about my column is that I am free to write about my life, and inspirations. As a vibrant Leo, freedom and creativity are part of my life. So the big dilemma was finding something to write about. What did I want to talk about? As I pondered away on what my first column would be on, I had a dream of my favorite childhood movie musical "Xanadu" featuring Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly and Michael Beck. Then it hit me, I should write about love, and then my cousin told me that I always inspire love so I should write about inspiring love..... It has been a long time since I've read about love or happiness. I am joyous knowing that I am God's child and He loves me unconditionally but what about the world? There is so much hate and chaos going on around us that we do not take the time to really explore love and enjoy it. I believe that if we love more it will ease our pain. I mean, love should be for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Love is not associated with academic excellence, wealth or poverty, love is what we feel in our hearts. Love should not be used as a bargain; it should be nurtured. Love should be real and not rehearsed. Love should make you feel dreamy. I am sure you are wondering, who made Ngoma the "love doctor"? Well, I may not be a love doctor yet, but I know how it feels to live without love. It is a lonely and miserable life. I have been there and watched loved ones struggle with the complexity of embracing love or the mere notion of happiness. Ok! This is not one of those sad stories but an example of how anyone can lose love and find it again. I am a woman inspired by her experiences and driven by her own convictions. My story is real, emotional and difficult to share but I know someone out there needs to know that they are not alone in their struggles. Before I start writing I want you to know that I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in the past that I regret. As a human being I continue to make mistakes but I work hard everyday on improving my imperfection. I grew up surrounded by love until my parents passed away and evil reared its ugly head. I became a different person because of this unfortunate circumstance. My early twenties were angry and bitter years. I was angry because my parents passed on and bitter because I was disappointed that love had left me to suffer alone. Perhaps I seemed angry to people but I never stopped caring and loving folks. Looking back at my life now, I guess I was often misunderstood by people who never cared enough about me to get to the roots of my dilemma. Because folks didn't understand me as a person, they were quick to judge me. Like everyone else, I had a personality that I wore on my sleeves for the world to see and this made me vulnerable to public scrutiny. The public didn't bother me as much as those who I felt betrayed me for the sake of winning a popularity contest in their various cliques. Thinking about it now, I believe people only tolerated me because of what they could get from me and nursing my wounds wasn't their priority. I felt used because folks would only capitalize on my generosity and exile me because of my faults or weaknesses. Because of their selfish needs, they couldn't see that I was dying of pain in my heart. I would mask my pain with laughter because it was better to laugh than cry. I felt like I was in my own world and nobody really "got" me. These were rough years but I am mature now to realize that I am unique in my own way and should never apologize for being Ngoma... I wanted to be loved so much that I kept loving all the wrong people and getting hurt because the love was never reciprocated. My big mistake was expecting too much from folks but could you blame me? I wanted the void in my life to be filled but instead I experienced the harsh reality of life that nobody really cared about me or my struggles. All of a sudden I was surrounded by negativity by those I thought I could trust. My overly friendly nature became a curse and my life literally became a soap opera! The people that I trusted to protect me from harm exposed me to danger. People that "claimed" to know me would spread vicious rumors about me and I never really understood why folks would speak ill of me. I often wondered; were they envious of me? Or just upset that despite their ill will towards me, I still succeed in life? But my success wasn't by my might but that of God Almighty. Trust me, being orphaned at a young age was the worst thing that happened to me. I just couldn't handle the constant feeling of abandonment and my parents weren't around to protect me from the world. Those that I shared my secrets with turned around and sold me out to the highest bidder. Folks that I let roam free in my life turned their backs against me when I needed them the most. Brethrens that I sacrificed my all for both financially and emotionally, quickly forgot what I did for them. I guess it became a sudden case of amnesia huh? What can I say, but such is life! I can joyfully say that my life is now free of such people because I moved on... My kind heart was easily taken for granted and I felt under appreciated. In the natural, I was upset because I did not understand how caring about folks could hurt? In my hurt, I would distance myself from the world and this behavior left me emotionally weak and resentful. I would pour all my frustrations in my school work and often confronted those who hurt me. I should have left them to be judged on their own accord, but it felt so good giving them a piece of my mind. Now, I know it's wrong to confront folks because it only sinks me to their negative level. My loved ones were the voice of reasoning in my head and they would constantly tell me to seek God first and not human beings. They prayed for me more than I prayed for myself. They were so inspiring...they still are! Close friends would encourage me not to change my caring ways and to set myself free by letting go of the hurt. I was to forgive those who hurt me so that I may embrace the grace and mercies of God. Forgiving is definitely not my forte but slowly I did learn to forgive folks while keeping my distance. I realized that there was no reason to be hurt by the ways of man for I was used as an instrument by God to make a difference in the lives I touched. I learned not to let my trials or folks get the best of me. It was my destiny to change lives positively. I realized that no matter how good or bad things turned out, the people I touch or inspire will never forget me. This realization was consoling and it encouraged me to continue to be the fabulous person I was created to be...Diva Ngoma! So I made a decision to love myself for who I was, for, if I couldn't love myself how would someone else love me? Most importantly, during this period I discovered God. I was grateful to Pastor Joel Osteen's sermons for revealing God's divine love, favor and purpose for His children. I realized that God's divine love was in control of my life and this made me feel safe and encouraged. I am a warrior, highly favored by God and I seek only His approval in my life choices. Dear readers, it is easy to lose love because of the ills of the world but one thing we must know is that we all have destinies to fulfill on earth. Mine is to give the gift of laughter, encouragement and love to those who need uplifting. I made the decision to continue to spread love and I certainly do not give people or circumstances the power to take my joy anymore. Why? Because I found love and it's here to stay! I found love in my heart, God, family and close friends. Love resides in my passion for life. Ikechukwu brought that passion back into my life. He loved me for who I was and wasn't intimidated by my effervescent nature or free spirit. He wasn't ashamed of me or my loud presence and he never tried to change me like others attempted or mold me into someone I wasn't destined to be. He allowed me to tear down the walls around him because he understood me and believed that I would build them back up again. He encouraged me to pursue my dreams without vilification. He is definitely my number one fan. Yes, my husband is a real man who is secure with his manhood and most definitely not intimidated by a strong, intelligent woman. I am in love and dreamy all over again..... Love is important and often we take it for granted. With age and wisdom I realized that love isn't always about sex or material needs. Love is about finding that warm feeling in your heart that makes you dreamy and happy. These days, I avoid negative folks and I surround myself with positive people who make me laugh and genuinely support me in my endeavors. So I ask you today, do you have love? If you lost it once, have you found it again? Find love again because it eases the pain of the world and most importantly, it keeps you sane. Do not allow anybody to deny you of love because some people are unhappy with their lives and they enjoy tormenting others who are happy. As in the movie musical "Rent", another favorite musical of mine, the song Seasons of Love sings "five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, how do you measure a year in life? How about love? Remember the love, you know that love is a gift from up above. Share love, give love, spread love. Measure, measure your life in love." I look back at my journey and acknowledge that I didn't get here by myself. I am loved by God and the few special people in my life. You know yourselves, don't be shy! No matter the circumstances, you never give up on Ngoma! I thank you all for making me who I am today, a strong woman filled with compassion, inspiration, passion and much love to share. To all who took the time to read my column, thank you. I hope my story will inspire you to face your adversities with courage and most importantly cherish the love in your hearts. My Column titled: "Memoirs of an African Diva" from AfroStyle Magazine. http://www.afrostylemag.com/ View Article Source